Heart and Home Breaking

I recently found out that there is this online business which promotes infidelity. Essentially it is a dating website specifically for married people. It is devastating to learn that businesses like these exist. It offers husbands and wives an extra push towards breaking up their homes on a silver platter, and in addition to this wound, they spread this globally!

I pray that this destructive spirit which breaks up what has been brought together by God will be fought in the spiritual world. Imagine the children affected! The remaining spouse affected! Its truly heart-breaking. 

People hurting people. Trust broken by those closet to you. 

I pray we stand strong with the Lord's overpowering love which overcomes the weak temptations of the flesh. That we desire to seek and learn how to love our husbands, wives, children, in the way that God loves us. In a nurturing and unconditional way. He never says "You don't love me enough and your love isn't good enough," when we offer what we know to be everything– the little and humblest we have. 

He says, "I know that I should have all the glory and love in the universe. All creation sings my praise. You tried, are trying, and I know you will fail. But I forgive and still love you for I know you will also learn to love even more. I see you as you are, as you were and I know who you will be my darling beloved bride. You will/do love me."Yes, He forgives us. Because He knows where our hearts will be at the end. 

He loves and sees our love out of the context that is time. It is when we no longer see the love that our spouse/significant other gives as it is in the present or past time, but in all of present past and future that we are able to overcome the hurdle of holding grudges for current shortcomings. 

As we are not God we cannot see all three. But we can trust that God is working in them just as He is within yourself. 

Maybe that is in itself one of the keys to forgiveness as much as it is one of the keys to loving. Trusting in the Lord, and letting it go to Him. 

Relationships

The life that we have we gave up to God.
The life that He gave back we give away to others.
And so, He can once again fill us,
And others can also in turn, pour themselves into us as well.

Being in relationship isn’t about getting along, being happy all the time, or receiving a crutch we can lean stand on. Its about growth, learning how to lean on God, support your counterpart and allowing your counterpart to support you. 

Its all about having this other person reflecting upon you all the flaws that you do not see in yourself, and allowing you to know where you can improve on. 

Its about having this other person reflecting upon you all the strengths that you do not see in yourself, and allowing you to know what God has blessed you with that you can use to further serve Him and His kingdom. 

Its about learning to care for another as you do yourself. To protect, serve, and uplift to God another, just as you do yourself. 

Loving someone, allows us to learn just how to love everyone else. 

It also has me amazed at how God loves so freely. Realize how much he doesn’t struggle with it like we do. Well… He is love. But it gives me a greater glimpse into His personality. In His patience, wisdom, everlasting strength and power. He is so so able. He is never faint, unlike us. Time is nothing to Him, while it is a complete weakness to us. 

The Third Path

I walked in the sun today. My walk consisted of three main parts.

The first was a reading of Ecclesiastics. Everything is meaningless, everything we chase will one day come to an end. We are no better than anyone else. The future is the same for everyone: Physical death.


The second was of paths. I came upon two paths, and asked Him, which should I tread upon? Which way is better? The long path that takes me around the park, or the shorter cutting through the park. Which way is best to go home?

And I stood there a while. The longer path allows me more time to walk and seek Him before getting home. The shorter path allows me the fastest way home. Which is better? How do I know which will be better?

I turned around, thinking I would walk without seeing which direction I'd end up in. Then, I saw that in life, neither path would be known to me, shorter or longer. It would be only the unknown. The only direction to move was forward. So I walked straight ahead, and onto the third path: the path between that I couldn't see. It was not a paved path, it was bumpy, grassy, and no one else treads this same path. It is my path. I also do not know what the next step will be, because the path is not known to me. However, it is known to God.

This week, I've been struggling with uncertainty, and being unable to plan some things of the future, or be certain of things that are to happen.

Choosing the third path, choosing to trust in Him, includes accepting that the path ahead of you is unseen, might be hard, might be different from everyone else's.

Like all other paths, it will take us home though.

The path might cross other paths, for we are all on journeys; We (saved by Him) will all get home.


The third was on the third path. I came across a tree, same as I came across at the beginning of the week. Half cherry red, half brilliant green, and I was reminded that my life was colourful and full– a realization that had come to me earlier this week (which I do not reiterate at the moment).

Our lives are blessings, and we can take pleasure in living, and growing, but at the end of the day, we also give this all life for eternity, where a different joy takes over.

And I was home.

Facebook Photo Attacks

It always happens: You scroll down the newsfeed. (It's like you're digging for disaster.) A photo pops up. Old friends. Lovers. Enemies. Old memories. You're struck with a familiar sense of tenderness, lined with horror, anger, bitterness, hurt. Your battle scars burn. 

When you feel like life hits you hard reminding you of the people you've lost, think of the people you're blessed and thankful for now. Recognise that God is changing you, and building you. Pray for those in your past, pray for those with you now, pray for those God will bring you. Realize that none were, are, or will be yours.

Remember that they were, are and always will be His. 

This is when can we stand up under these attacks from our pasts.

Its all about Him. 

Catalogue

We know that God is constantly with us in our lives, and often cares for us in ways we do not expect. Its also insane to think of how many problems there are in the world, from trivial to extreme, and yet the ruler and Lord of all the universe still is so great that He chooses and is able to tend to each and every one. Sometimes it may not seem that He does, but perhaps we come to this conclusion more so because of the fact that what we wanted to happen, or felt should have happened, did not. Coming round to the root, its about understanding His character, why He is working a certain way. 

My (main) problem of yesterday was petty. It was self-centered, it was rooted in insecurity, and the weakness of the flesh. I received a call from my siblings after I got in the house, letting me know that they were out without me, doing an activity we had agreed we would do together earlier this month. Having been left to my own devices for the day by friends, I had anticipated at least getting to do something with them. Family had not let me down yet. However, yesterday, I was in short, upset. Upset because I felt let down by my friends and my family. 

I struggled briefly with knowing that I needed to rely on God first, and not on any other human in my life. I tried to pick up my bible to read. I tried to pray. However, nothing clicked. I was in the stony silence of my room on a semi-sunny summer's day– a feeling I've hated for a decent amount of time. I headed upstairs. 

There was a catalogue on the kitchen countertop.

I picked the booklet up, and flipped through the catalogue, dejected. 

I sat in silence, bookmarking the catalogue with sticky-notes. With each page, I began to take in detail. Lines, colour, pattern, texture. 

I was enjoying myself. I began to see the catalogue as art in its own form. Each spread put together to appeal to the senses. 

By the time I came to the last page, a peaceful contentment had fallen upon me. It was like sitting by a fireplace, sipping a warm cup of hot chocolate on a blizzardly Winter's night. In fact, I had not felt a peace like that in a while, not from a catalogue, not in Church, not from reading His word. I had to concede. It was not a peace from myself. Its a silly thing to think of from God, but every blessing is from Him. He knows our likes and our dislikes, and just what we need to be cheered up, to be at peace. 

I believe that He sent me that catalogue right then, when the timing was perfect. And beyond just "making me feel better" I knew that He wanted me to know: He knows me best. 

It may have been a foolish problem. It may have been an unconventional solution. Yet, aren't most problems to God? He touches our lives every day, in what we deem to be the smallest of ways. But that's where the walk starts. In the end, it comes back to Him. 

He understands us. Do we understand that of Him? I want to choose to come to Him as well, and seek to understand, not just what is happening in my life, but Him. 

Yesterday, He showed me how He cares, how He knows me, and how gentle and patient He is. 

Faithful

Someone once used the word faithful to describe this blog. 

Honestly, these posts come at a time of realization– usually the end of the track where I have fallen, or at complete random– in a period of stagnancy in my walk. These are inspirations that push me forward, out of times when I have been weaker. 

Just thought I'd address that. 

Now onto a struggle I've been facing recently. 

I've only on extremely rare occasions considered myself a "fun" person. When I was about eleven or twelve I often asserted an air of superiority over my older cousins, where I would insist on them being more serious in their actions, games and conversation. I often got "stop acting so mature", in response. I received a similar comment from my boyfriend a week ago regarding my views of fun relating to maturity. 

My views of fun have been influenced by conservative notions drilled into my head since young, and the current cultural view of having fun in North America. However, I would like to add one more point of view to the mix– God's. 

I believe God has a sense of humour. Out of everyone you can pick, who would understand joy and laughter more than He? God created pleasure. He took great pleasure in spending time with Adam, with enjoying His creation. Our culture encourages enjoying time with friends (this can sometimes include a more self-centred approach: I want to hang out with others so I can be happy). God encourages fellowship (I want to develop these relationships between her/him and myself, in God). His is a pure and eternal lasting kind of pleasure.

God's sense of fun isn't rigid, or boring, or humourlessly distasteful as I was quick to determine it to be. In the name of morals, I had a skewed view that in order to be appropriate and faithful, one had to silence jokes of this world, puts a stop to their ideas of fun. However, this was not necessarily true in every case. 

I needed to ask myself about truth. True joy, true enjoyment, comes from the Lord. Does the way our temporary culture encourage, portray and reflect God's true joy? Sometimes it could. Sometimes it doesn't. I need to discern between the two. And finally, ask myself how we can choose to manifest God's true joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, goodness, and faithfulness in our interactions in the time we spend with our friends and others that we meet here on Earth. 

I don't feel like I have to be a fun person, but I know that I want to be a person who takes joy in interacting with others, takes pleasure in enjoying our fellowship and activities together, and hopefully our conversation and time together will be able to reflect God's love and care. 

An interpretation of Psalm 64

Sometimes we fear that we're being ungrateful and shouldn't dare bother God with our discontentments and petty issues that put us into moods. However, David makes it a point to issue a complaint to God. He knows that it is better to lift up his problems to God rather than rashly lash out at the problem, in this case, his enemies.

When David lifts this problem up to God, he indicates that he believes that God is in control and ultimately will be the righteous judge who executes justice. If David's enemies truly deserve punishment, David knows that God will be fair.

And David ends off with a reminder that in the end all the righteous need do is trust and praise God, and let Him be our rock and conquerer. The problem is now in His hands.

Sometimes when we do not know what to pray, God gives us His word to pray and meditate on. Psalm 64 isn't so that we can curse our enemies and ask God to smite them with destruction, but so that we can remember to submit to Him, knowing that He sees all. We need only continue to praise Him.

Physical Limitations

I've had migraines ever since the sixth grade. They used to come more often, every few months. But in recent years I have had them coming about twice a year– if I'm fortunate this streak will continue.

They start with a tampering in my vision. Pixellated vision. Or white blotches. This is when I know to take my medication.

Then the pain. Gradually, and then its all in my mind. Pinching, piercing, taunting.

I want to groan, to scream, to cry out. I ask why it happens. I beg, plead. Just a little relief. Just one less time. Just a little more control.

Then the nasty part. I will need to vomit. And I feel so weak, and unable. So bound to a disgusting, frail body that wastes away day after day after day.

And as I tear, and after a few rounds of retching, I finally am given the solace of being able to fall into a sleep. And the medication then is able to make the problem fade.

I wake up weak, but I feel like the whole process had just been a nightmare. One that I know will return one day. And in the next instance, it will feel just as real, just as painful, and when its over, I will feel just as powerless. And I fear the next time it will come.

I was quite unwell a few weeks ago. I typically do not fall very ill very often. There's usually too much work to be done, and I can't afford to. Once I feel like sickness is on my doorstep, I usually start to hydrate myself better, sleep a little more than my regular pittance of hours, and of course pop in some flu/cold pills, especially if I feel like a running nose is coming on. I fell sick within a very short period of time. I knew that I had not been sleeping much the week. But I really began to feel the weakness seep in at the end of a long Friday at the store. I couldn't smile anymore. My body was beginning to ache. Running nose, coupled with the beginnings of a mild cough. Okay, no big deal. I would be okay. Its not like I haven't faced a running nose before. I pop in two pills and hope that I'm good for the night. But it gets worse, and I only get more tired. I cancel the night's plans.

In the end, I spend almost the week in bed. I have never taken so many days off before. I have never been confined to my bed, to my body, to how weak I am for such an extended period of time. I miss Church. I miss three days of school (unheard of! and definitely not lessening the amount of stress!). And somewhere in the midst of sick days, I feel so drugged up by the Buckley's pills. So out of my mind. So held together by chemicals. I feel sick of them, and I was sick of being ill.

I started to miss dosages of the medication. I wanted to be able to feel myself again. I didn't want to be on chemicals. But I wasn't getting better. I could feel, and I could get up, instead of barely being able to get out of bed, but I wasn't getting better. I had to go back to the pills, and by the end of the week, I was forcing them down my throat. I'm used to having to take pills due to my migraines. They go down in seconds, and I can even do them without water, bad as that is. But I hated them then. I hated how much I relied on them. How they knocked me out completely. Prevented me from doing a thing. No homework.... ... And on a totally random derailment of thought, I had never slept so much for the whole school year.

A day before I fell into that black hole of illness, I had been talking to a friend. And we touched on the subject of spiritual healing. I realized that I had never really questioned it, never given much thought on where it was in our day and age. I've never been proud of my body. I knew I was weak. I had never questioned those weaknesses. I always accepted them as part of being human– and as a sinner, who was I to ask for any better? Its by God's grace that I received any blessing at all. I guess I never really took on the "I'm a daughter of Christ so I deserve healing, physical strength, health" spectrum of thought.

If you asked me, I don't have an answer to why God doesn't heal us at times. But I do know from my own experience that weaknesses do bring us closer to Him, more than any strength can in many cases. And I do know that if I were to pick spiritual healing, emotional healing, mental healing, or physical healing, I'd rather pick the spiritual healing first. For these all stem from it. And it lasts eternally. Our lives start with God. And when we can see and understand from where He sees and where His heart is, we will be healed in emotional aspects. We will be given a new mental perspective. And He will give us strength beyond the natural. The rest of our lives start at one point. And that's where we go to Him first.

I'd like to end the post with a short description of the last migraine I had.

I was groaning in bed. Again, asking God why, and praying for the pain to cease. I could feel it move about my head as I turned and turned. And I screamed out. Finally, I picked up my phone and started a worship list that I had saved on it. Four songs. Overcome (Jeremy Camp), You're Beautiful (Phil Wickham), Lord I offer my Life to You (Hillsong), How can I keep from Singing (Chris Tomlin). And I sang. In pain. In weakness. In humility. And I knew that I was leaning on Him alone.

Each situation of pain is different. And in each case God may show Himself in different ways. For me, I do believe that in my weakness, God is lifted higher. I trust in Him more. And I know He vindicates me of being just a physical being.

I think we all have to grapple with our own understanding of how God is working in our lives, and it is okay to ask Him.

Oh and about the long week and a bit of illness– I had lost my voice. If I recall correctly, I got it back in a whisper, just as I had lost it. The first day that I could sing again was beautiful.

On Living and Dying

When you live a life for God, He will honor you as you honor Him; When your life is built on the right things, God will bless you.

Cursed are the living, blessed are the dying.
The living live on in sin, the righteous pass away.
The righteous are sooner reunited with their heavenly Lover.
The living continue to heap ashes and coal over their heads.
She has lived a fulfilled life in God.
Whether she passes or stays on, she is secure in Him.
But those who live on each day, live without her,
How I pray for them–
The soldiers that are not relieved from battle,
Who still face temptation and are cut and bruised and tortured.

And yet, still, all life is held in God’s hands.
Who He takes and whom He does not,
No one knows.
And only He knows when and why.

For this we do not need to worry.
For He has His purpose.
And He is right and just.

True that I have never lost a man to death;
Known a person lost to death.
When that comes to pass,
I will see more.

But this I know for now.

Masterpieces

I’m young, standing at the top of a mountain, looking over a gorgeous sunset view, with a road stretching ahead for miles beyond the horizon. And as beautiful as I feel life is at the moment, I know that the hike will be and is beginning. Its not perfect and will not be– but that only makes the journey weigh more in value. If anything, working on my drawings has taught me that no matter how long and how tiring the process is, the masterpiece at the end is worth it.

We will be masterpieces.

I will not pretend I'm something I'm not.

Be and Do

While having a conversation with a friend:

"I don't want to live like that though. With most of life being drudgery and having that random 1% spark of awesomeness. I want to hold some secret delight in being. And we don't have to do to be. I think its a human mentality that if we work hard enough and do enough that we'll be somewhere, be someone. But that's where grace proves us wrong.

I delight in being. Cuz I be by grace.

Not that I"m saying not to do, but just that I need to remember that I am not because of anything I can do. And I will not because of anything that I will do."

Rebuke from Friends

I know its been a while (it always is). What can I share that's been happening in my life lately? Oh its been crazy... I've been learning a load about humility, priorities, and definitely letting go and trusting in God. And I'm circling community, as I have this past year. Unfortunately it'll take a while to share about all of the above. So I'll just share a bit about friendship.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" ~Proverbs 27:5-6

There are different perspectives from which you can take this verse.

1) Who is a friend to trust?

2) How can I be a true friend?

Who is a friend to trust: It takes humility to be able to really listen to feedback that others give us. I used to be, and still am very defensive when it comes to criticism. However, I have been reminded that others can have a much better view of your weaknesses, and it is only when they actually tell you that you can work on these weaknesses. The rebuke of a friend is very precious and it shows how much they care about you and want you to become a better person. The rebuke of a friend reveals much about their desirable character and qualities, and about how they trust in God. This leads me to the second point...

How can I be a true friend: Rebuking a friend can be tough. People hate to be told where they fall short. Ashamed, angry, exposed. Rebuke risks the relationship. It could make or break it. When you rebuke a friend out of love, you are placing your relationship with the person in God's hands, knowing that He guides you both. And you are also trusting God with where the relationship goes from there.

Remember that a brother or sister that rebukes out of love has your back. They believe in you– that you can change and become a better and more God loving person.

Verses that made the header

Proverbs 3:5-6/ Luke 22:42// 2 Cor 4:16/ Proverbs 31:30//2 Corinthians 12:9//Ecclesiastes 1:18//1 Corinthians 13:1-2/Galatians 5:14//Proverbs 27:5-6