The Invisible Rifts Between Us

When I was in teens worship, I had a strong dislike for various individuals who also attended teens.

My thoughts can be summed up as such:
• They claim to be Christians, but they don't step out of their cliques to make newer members of Teens Worship feel like part of the Church.
• They seem to be shells, whom I try to talk to but don't seem interested in really getting to know me truly.
• They don't seem interested in talking about God's word. Or anything that was more meaningful.
• I can't see where God is in their lives.

And so on. Such presumptuous thoughts.

I struggled a lot on some days with going to service and fellowship with them because of these thoughts and feelings. I eventually shunned them. There was a growing gap between us. It was "Hello" and "How are you?" and "Good!" and "Okay then."

By God's grace, we all continued on to our college fellowship. By His grace, I continued to attend our particular Church.

I would say that a huge theme for me during the first year of university was community. I felt a huge push from God to learn to love my brothers and sisters in Christ. To be there for them. That loving community is the result of loving Him.

So I pushed myself to go to events, to be there, with and in community. And I began to get to know them just a little more. At the end of that year's fellowship retreat I did shared about the above mentioned struggle to love and understand some of these individuals in the Church. And I apologized to them, even if they didn't know about the feelings that I had kept hidden within.

And so I continued to walk with this fellowship. We all did.

~~~

I recently attended a party with a lot of these individuals actually, and my sister later commented that I now get along well with a lot of the individuals that I used to dislike so much. I hadn't actually thought about it by now for quite some time, but I realized that she was right (that's actually what inspired this post).

My moment of revelation however, has to be connected with a reminder that occurred last week. I had been stricken with an unfortunate case of food poisoning, and thus confined to lying in my bed all day. I looked up on my bedroom walls, absolutely bored, and a group of sticky-notes caught my eyes. These sticky-notes had one name on each one, and were all folded in half. I was in that moment reminded, and filled with much gratitude and praise towards God.

~~~

God's grace to me had been extended all those years ago, back when I still was filled with hate and confusion. When I was misled by an attitude that was almost pharisee-like: I disliked these people, because I judged, and I felt that they didn't love God enough.

Yet, even while I was still in this sin, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to pray for my "enemies": People I didn't like. People I didn't understand; God's mercy and grace was imparted to me by Him inspiring this idea. I decided to write down all the names of the people I wasn't close to in teens, and I picked a name each night, and prayed for that person.

When I saw those sticky-notes in my room, this memory came back to me, and I praised God because I realized that intercession for those we do not understand, or agree with, is really really a huge blessing. The intercession was for them, but I realized that God intended it also for myself– God knew that my understanding of what the community of God is, had to change. Perhaps it has changed for all of us over time:

I see now that God is and has always been working in all of their lives. And mine as well. He knew back then, just what was needed. When I look at my Church community now, I cannot help but tear up, because I am so so proud of how we have grown, not just individually, but also together as a Church. And I am filled with much joy because I know that we continue to desire to develop these relationships with each other.

You are now people, that I look forward to getting together with. To spending time with. To sharing games and conversation and laughs with. I look forward to hearing your stories, and how you have been doing, what God has been doing in your lives. To sharing what God has been doing in my life. To finding ways that I can love you guys, and receive the love that you guys pour out to the people around you. I am very thankful for all the people in our fellowship. I see members who are trying to seek God in their lives, who are trying to understand Him and who are there for each other as well.

And finally, after five years (or something-the-like), I feel like Church, these people, is home.

Tolerance vs Acceptance (feat dphiten)

I am really appreciative of having someone else to work with me; dphiten gave me the inspiration for this post, but I know he's inspired by God. 

Last night, I was attempting to write some encouraging cards to several of our friends, and I found that for all the words I seem capable of pouring out in various channels, I had an absolutely blank mind. Why? Why the stump? 

A later discussion with dphiten highlighted what I didn't realize was right in front of me. 

There is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. We are taught in school, through PSA's, and through society, that tolerance is the key to peace. This word, tolerance, is sometimes substituted with acceptance. But the meaning remains– tolerance. 

Peace and love was one of the motto's of the 60's, and peace and love are part of the Fruit of the Spirit. If so, why did the 60's turn out to be such a confusing (and possibly destructive) period? Tolerance was letting everyone do whatever they felt was the right thing, and then doing whatever you feel like. Which does sound pretty good, but it doesn't bring true peace, or love. I would say love is more closely tied with acceptance. 

True peace and love descends when acceptance is practiced– instead of watching others do whatever they like, and doing whatever you like, acceptance is making sure whatever you do is for someone else. 

We often follow through with the world view that we're taught– to tolerate. And man was it a slap to the face when dphiten pointed out that I was a very tolerant person. Tolerant but not accepting. It is for that reason that true loving becomes so difficult for me. 

And so, I was and am convicted and challenged. To do what I knew I should've done:

For "if I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." ~I Corinthians 13: 1-2

Thank you for your prayers. 

And thank and praise God who never ceases to watch over His children. 

A Testament: Prologue: Separation

I struggled with self-identity and with the darkness within me. I hated myself so much, I saw so little value in myself. I based it off how I perceived others saw me. I felt guilt, disgust, repulsion. 

And some days, I still do feel guilt. I still show hate. I still release my anger on others. But I have also found peace, forgiveness, reassurance, deep love, and hope. 

I am, have been and will be on a journey. I will not be fully defined until I come to that journey's end, and I will constantly change through walks of life. 

(tbc)

~~~~~~

Little Note: 
I want to begin recording my testament, for a few reasons. 
• To encourage my fellow siblings in Christ, and share my heart, experiences, and my struggles... 
• To bring myself a better level of awareness of how God has worked in my life, and is working in my life
• To be a witness to the rest of those who I will meet in this time of life. 
• And so on and more as it will come. (: 

Don't know how far I will get, and this will take a while. But its something to start on. (: 

I am a Wreck

He says to me, "Jae, my grace is enough for you. Remember, my power is made perfect in weakness."

So I lean into His gentle presence and reply, "I will then gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that you, and your strength and might, and every thing that is possible with You, will be also with me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I am still learning how to live*, each day. I think we all are. And that's okay. No matter how old you are. Because living is a lifelong choice and commitment.

I am a wreck, and I struggle almost every day to not be one. But I am. I fail a lot. I let my emotions take control of my relationships. I let them rip apart people I love. I don't honour my parents everyday. I choose selfishness, or fail to find time. I get distracted by things that are not going to last. I choose this world. This flesh. This shadow reality. I fall to temptation.

But in all these moments. I know that some days I fight really hard. Among all these days, there will be one that I choose to encourage my friends, my family. There will be one that I dig into His word. There will be one that I fall on my knees and am drawn into prayer or worship. There will be one that I feel Him nearer. And when I have one of those days, I can only come to that singular conclusion: He makes it possible.

I love Him so much. Only in Him am I complete and worthy. And I will spend all my days running to His side. No matter how far back I find myself, I hope I will always keep running.

After all, I can't run physically, so I have to get my exercise Spiritually :P

*eternally

Dear D

Dear D,

I don't know how you feel. But I've gone through my own feelings. I know that they feel isolated, and that your circumstance is as unique as my own. If there's anyone who's gone through what I have, I haven't personally met them yet. And that's okay.

People, even close loved ones, have demeaned my feelings. Saying its a simple matter of mind over emotion. Of mental over spiritual. They look at me in worry. Genuinely concerned. Or wondering where they went wrong. They don't expect it from me, and they look at me, wondering who this foreign girl is. To have my feelings denied, and my faith judged by people I trust... These all, I laid to rest, and am not angry at them for. I still love them as much as ever.

As a Christian, for years it's been almost taboo to be depressed. Sometimes, It's not that the people around me don't care. Sometimes they just don't know how to deal with those emotions, or the situation, because we all hide them till its a cycle of brushing our dirt under the rugs and locking our demons in our closets. I appreciate that they want me to feel joyful, strong and sensible. In a better placement. As for trying to figure out what went wrong, I think it's even more important to figure out what to do right from now on out. And then sometimes it's less to do with figuring out the solutions, and more to just be there in support, encouragement, or just to listen without judging, silently, or verbally praying with him/her as they struggle with worldy fears, and learning to trust and find that peace and assurance in God. We have our moments where we trip up. And we trip up more than once in our lifetimes.

I am praying for you. You who have felt sad, bitter, alone, fearful, insecure.

Depressed.

Feeling these emotions doesn't make you less of a Christian. It doesn't make you less loved by God.

Yours Truly,
Jae, who has been depressed, but by the grace of God, has found joy, love and peace. I'm still fighting to be a better lover of God. I still feel those emotions from time to time. But I know the truth. That I am saved, and that He will allow me to stand up once again, as long as I hold His hand.