When I was in teens worship, I had a strong dislike for various individuals who also attended teens.
My thoughts can be summed up as such:
• They claim to be Christians, but they don't step out of their cliques to make newer members of Teens Worship feel like part of the Church.
• They seem to be shells, whom I try to talk to but don't seem interested in really getting to know me truly.
• They don't seem interested in talking about God's word. Or anything that was more meaningful.
• I can't see where God is in their lives.
And so on. Such presumptuous thoughts.
I struggled a lot on some days with going to service and fellowship with them because of these thoughts and feelings. I eventually shunned them. There was a growing gap between us. It was "Hello" and "How are you?" and "Good!" and "Okay then."
By God's grace, we all continued on to our college fellowship. By His grace, I continued to attend our particular Church.
I would say that a huge theme for me during the first year of university was community. I felt a huge push from God to learn to love my brothers and sisters in Christ. To be there for them. That loving community is the result of loving Him.
So I pushed myself to go to events, to be there, with and in community. And I began to get to know them just a little more. At the end of that year's fellowship retreat I did shared about the above mentioned struggle to love and understand some of these individuals in the Church. And I apologized to them, even if they didn't know about the feelings that I had kept hidden within.
And so I continued to walk with this fellowship. We all did.
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I recently attended a party with a lot of these individuals actually, and my sister later commented that I now get along well with a lot of the individuals that I used to dislike so much. I hadn't actually thought about it by now for quite some time, but I realized that she was right (that's actually what inspired this post).
My moment of revelation however, has to be connected with a reminder that occurred last week. I had been stricken with an unfortunate case of food poisoning, and thus confined to lying in my bed all day. I looked up on my bedroom walls, absolutely bored, and a group of sticky-notes caught my eyes. These sticky-notes had one name on each one, and were all folded in half. I was in that moment reminded, and filled with much gratitude and praise towards God.
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God's grace to me had been extended all those years ago, back when I still was filled with hate and confusion. When I was misled by an attitude that was almost pharisee-like: I disliked these people, because I judged, and I felt that they didn't love God enough.
Yet, even while I was still in this sin, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to pray for my "enemies": People I didn't like. People I didn't understand; God's mercy and grace was imparted to me by Him inspiring this idea. I decided to write down all the names of the people I wasn't close to in teens, and I picked a name each night, and prayed for that person.
When I saw those sticky-notes in my room, this memory came back to me, and I praised God because I realized that intercession for those we do not understand, or agree with, is really really a huge blessing. The intercession was for them, but I realized that God intended it also for myself– God knew that my understanding of what the community of God is, had to change. Perhaps it has changed for all of us over time:
I see now that God is and has always been working in all of their lives. And mine as well. He knew back then, just what was needed. When I look at my Church community now, I cannot help but tear up, because I am so so proud of how we have grown, not just individually, but also together as a Church. And I am filled with much joy because I know that we continue to desire to develop these relationships with each other.
You are now people, that I look forward to getting together with. To spending time with. To sharing games and conversation and laughs with. I look forward to hearing your stories, and how you have been doing, what God has been doing in your lives. To sharing what God has been doing in my life. To finding ways that I can love you guys, and receive the love that you guys pour out to the people around you. I am very thankful for all the people in our fellowship. I see members who are trying to seek God in their lives, who are trying to understand Him and who are there for each other as well.
And finally, after five years (or something-the-like), I feel like Church, these people, is home.
