Words and Pictures 2025

Word for year: Sabbath (Solitude) 

Into quiet places 

Do not strive, but let the Lord provide 

Heal, deliver, and bring the Kingdom 

Word from God in Japan: 

You perceive that you are in the valley, but if you change your perspective, you are at the foot of a tall mountain. And I will be there in this climb. 

During prayer ministry training: 

Land of the Living, this is where you now bear citizenship 

Ashes for beauty 

Redefining Friendship Pt 1

Today I was awoken with lingering memories from a dream from last night’s slumber. 

In the dream I was chatting and laughing and adventuring with friends I had not seen for, and had parted ways with, a number of years past, and my heart broke (yet again) as I reflected upon how we would not be crossing this next year together. I was surprised at this, for since it has been practically a decade since I laid the pain of friendship lost to rest, and at least several years since having walked with Jesus through the healing process for those old wounds, should there still be such a visceral ache in my heart at this very moment? 

Troubled, I arose at an unusual 6am, and began the day’s contemplation. As I journaled and sat with Jesus, a verse came to mind: 

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity - Proverbs 17:17

Now, one might read this as, there is love within friendship, and nothing is stronger than the support of God given family in times of trouble. However, as I contemplated, another lens began to surface, which I invite any who chance upon this to consider. 

As I dwell on friendship, love and family, and my true experiences of them, I begin to read this passage in another way:

The love of Godly Kingdom friendship endures all seasons of life, and out of Christlike love and friendship is born Kingdom Kinship which bears each other up in life’s times of sustained trouble, difficulty, pain, and lament. 

The deep love of Christ always has more capacity to love. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. For one, and for many. With boundaries, but also knowing no bounds. 

Though we might not walk side by side on the same path any longer, my love does continue on. 

Q’s for Contemplation: 

How have I viewed friendship up until this point? 

How have I been hurt by past friendships? 

How have I hurt others in past friendships?

How have these experiences shaped my view of friendship? 

How can I lean on Jesus as I continue to grow friendships in the present? 

How do I lean on Jesus as I continue to bear love and perhaps mourn friendships past? 

How do I love friends and friends turned kin with the love of Christ? 

Who is my kin in Christ? 

What does it mean to be kin in Christ? 

How does this shift in perspective impact my relationships? 

Stand on them Shoulders

 I'M BACK. 

Yes. I am alive! After 7 years, I make a come back. Really a perfect number of years, if you like a little light numerical significance. 

In some ways I'm the same ol' person, and in others, a completely different one. Without shifting my tone, let me jump right back into it!

The concept of standing on shoulders came to me either in the preceding year, or the year preceding the last. Really a revelation regarding the legacy that one leaves that can be within the boundaries of almost any relationship. 

An example is the legacy of worship leading, or bible reading, or prayer, or even church building.

Its the idea that a spiritual warrior in one aspect can place building blocks in a junior's life to help them to build their discipline in the same area of spiritual focus. These building blocks are usually formed by the spiritual warrior's own journey in developing and growing in this spiritual discipline. 

The legacy is then carried forward when the junior then has the humility to stand on the shoulders (i.e. the building blocks, experience, and learned wisdom) of the predecessor, in order to further their ability to comprehend, expound upon; further their understanding and go deeper in the practice of said spiritual discipline.

Humility for both parties is important. The latter must have the humility to see the wisdom, experience, and labour poured forth by the former as valuable in aiding them in their understanding and journey and ability to see further than they would be able to if they were building from ground up. 

The former must have the humility to realize and accept that once the latter is now standing on their shoulders (building blocks), they now have the ability to take their wisdom and understanding even further than they would have been able to envision, and to heed and take to heart the compounded vision of the later party. 

What a beautiful relationship can be formed by such, as each continually pushes the other deeper and deeper into a richer and richer relationship with God and practice of their faith!

Ideally. 

... Course, we know how it usually goes. But hopefully this tidbit is helpful in suggesting that you might take the humble approach the next time you find yourself on either side of this coin!

Why?

Testing and Discipline

Deuteronomy 8:2-5

"2 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you."

It seems God takes us through times of testing when we have to wait a long time for Him to fulfil His plans or promises to us, but ultimately these times teach us about our own hearts and humble us. They show us how much we need him and cannot go without His word. We become disciplined through being discipline, and become more reliant on God.

You can definitely tie this passage to Jesus' testing in the wilderness.

Jesus spends 40 days in the desert fasting, paralleled to the Israelites' 40 years of wandering in the desert. This time of testing reveals what is in Christ's heart-- showing His obedience in following God's will and words. Jesus is absolutely humble, relying fully on God despite being fully divinely powerful himself. Jesus only quotes God's own words as a sustaining protection and weapon in this battle with Satan.

Jesus fulfills God's words in V3, by showing that He does not live on bread, but by God's words that are life. He knows God provides, not himself. God, literally his father, disciplines His son! And Jesus comes out, revealed to be completely faithful to God and obedient- righteous.

The idea of discipline, a time of testing required for humility to develop and a person's true nature to be revealed. I think I often fail during these testing periods, but God is gracious still and He continues to discipline me. Hopefully one day I will be able to live in His word instead of giving in to my worldly fleeting desires-- to be overwhelmed with emotion and self pity.

The "bread" isn't just physical food but all that we find security in in this world. What we think is our life, what is valuable to us, what we think we can't live without. We hold on to these things as what will help us, save us, give us security in life. This defines our value in the time of testing, but these things will not hold up.

Only God's words withstand all testing. Only who we are in Him is eternal.

God will put us through the time of testing to reveal to us what we value in our lives and strip away our reliance on those things, so that we will be disciplined to rely on Him and His words to sustain us through the trials.

Reflections on Daughtering

Long Excerpt: A Sharing in Parenting

Mother

  

"Through these years as a mother, my realization is that in order for our family to grow together, we really need God in our family. We need to have the very living essence of God to be in what we say, what we do, not just on Friday nights and Sunday mornings, [because] the impact of God [isn’t just] real only on those days, but on every day, and in every moment of our lives. That’s what our children see. They see us at home, and they see us outside the home.

... No matter how I teach my children about biblical truth and living, they will not understand and live it until they see us as parents living it. I must first make sure I have what I need in my life, [in order] to nurture my children into God loving and fearing adults. My children have been going to Sunday school the moment each of them reached a month old... They’ll give you lots of good and even biblically correct answers [if] you ask them questions, but they lack the day-to-day spiritual living of the biblical truths they have learnt... they can have so much fuller a life if Peter and I can guide them to seek the Holy Spirit to be their most intimate friend and personal counselor... We, like so many, have missed the unspeakable riches, the glorious reality, and intimate fellowship with the Holy Spirit (who is the third person of the Godhead)... He is to be worshiped as God, and He will lead us into worship in Spirit and in truth of the Father God, and the Son, our Bridegroom King. His desire is to personally teach each one of us the ways of God; [to] reveal the deep desires of the heart of the Father and of the Son. This is what I desire of my children to experience for themselves.

All along, I have been following the do’s and don’ts of parenting. Not that [that’s] bad, but [its] definitely not enough to guide our children to mature into adults who seek to delight God in everything he or she does– preparing them to be the bride of Jesus, our Bridegroom King. 

... It is really [about] what’s in my life that I can impart to my children that will leave an everlasting impression in their lives, such that they will not stray from God’s love, but yearn to grow closer to him every day, [relying] on the Holy Spirit for every counseling that they need for every decision that they will make in their lives from now, until adulthood. In short, [for them] to be able to develop the internal sensitivity to the Holy Spirit’s prompting– an internal sensor or compass, if I may call it. When I think about that, wow, that’s not a small feat! That’s a great responsibility on my part as a parent. 

... As I mentioned earlier, all it boils down to is one thing: We cannot give our children what we do not have within us. As a parent, I must first pull my act together and seek to be a delight to God, just as I want my children to delight me. My children will not be what I teach them to be, but what they see [in my actions] and [experience through their interactions with me]. Essentially, they will model after my actions. The inconsistency between the teaching of God’s word and my living it out will cause them to be confused, [leading] them to distrust, and eventually [leading] them away from God. Therefore, I must not only teach them God’s word, but [must] teach them [to have] reliance on the Holy Spirit to guide them. The Holy Spirit will always be with us; He cannot be taken away from us. My children need to see that both [their father] and I have that same reliance on the Holy Spirit through an intimate relationship and fellowship with him!

I’m just learning to see my children as God sees them in their potential, not as they are today. God loves me for who I will be the day Christ presents me to my father. So, I need to love my children as God loves me. Now, every moment must be a teachable moment. I’m learning to be more patient with my children, just as God our heavenly Father has been patient with me all these years as his child. He has not screamed and yelled at me for being disobedient to him. He has been waiting patiently for me to turn around and just run to him in love– as such I must be with my children.

... Oh how vulnerable we had become in our mistakes before our children! [Their father] and I were properly humbled and we repented before the Lord that night, as well as before our children. You see, they see us at our best [but also see us at] our worst and [in our] most humbling situations. What learning moments [these are] for our whole family."

  

~~~

Excerpt: A Child’s Perspective: Spiritual Inheritance

Daughter

           

"It has been over ten years since the giving of the preceding sharing by my mother... As I listened, I grew not only astonished, but also grateful and full of praise to our God for the way He works in our lives. After I had finished listening to the recording I asked if I could transcribe it.

I believe in Spiritual Inheritance. I think that while you do not necessarily end up in the exact same family situation as an adult that you had growing up, your childhood and your family does have an influence on your life in the future. We like to think that we can forge new grounds for ourselves, and be our own person, separate from our pasts. However, I implore of my peers to take our own histories to heart, to understand our pasts, to review them from a spiritual perspective, before we can understand the steps we can take as we move forward. The idea of spiritual inheritance has only recently begun to descend on my heart, even if the idea has been in the making for sometime. My recent realizations regarding spiritual inheritance lead me to analyze these thoughts that were shared years ago, and as a result, I then wished to share the child’s parallel perspective.

I have always been quite family orientated, having had these values instilled in me by my parents from birth, and from birth, my parents had sung and taught and ingrained “God”, “Jesus” and “the bible” as some of the core necessities in our lives. As my mother mentioned, our lives were changed drastically when we moved. As a young child then, I naturally did not understand reasons, or foresee the challenges that our family would face in the years ahead when we first began the journey. As I look back on how my parents have changed over the years, I see God’s hand in our lives. He has really given them so much wisdom and passion for Him. I see how this built up over the years we spent there, and continues to build up as we live today. My parents have always been quite liberal with us, in explaining the reason why they do certain things, why they make certain choices, in trying to teach us to understand, and perceive. They allowed us room to ask questions, to bargain with them, to argue with them. Not that I think that all of our retorts have always been respectful or even honoring. I know that I have sinned in some of my addresses to them during arguments. Yet, I cannot deny that my parents did allow us to reason with them, to discuss with them, and so allowed us to have an active relationship with them.

When we moved, and as I moved up in elementary/primary school, my father began to share learning that he went through, and great passions that God placed on his heart. He spoke to me, expecting maturity in listening and understanding. If I had questions, or desired clarification, or more information, he did not withhold it from me. I remember talking to him for minutes, and sometimes, even hours after dinner about the latest topic God has been teaching him. I appreciate so much that he did this– stretched me to see that there was so much more than just an elementary life. There was spiritual warfare– battles and challenges beyond the tough challenges of schoolwork. There was the bride of Christ– relationships to be developed beyond the basic sinner turned convert. There were prayer walks, long nights of worship, dancing, shofars, and waving of flags. There was so much more than graduating, getting a job, getting a family, retiring, and then dying. (Edit: Not that I didn't participate in activities of a student, but I was aware that there were other pursuits above my present understanding.) 

Perhaps it was in my later years of high school; it definitely solidified through my years in university– the need to have the Holy Spirit, Christ, and the Father with us every moment of our lives, not just on Sundays and Fridays. I grew to understand that to not have Him with me always; to live a dual life was false, and even folly. My experiences with God on Sundays and Fridays were so filling; so real, and so rich that life outside it seemed flimsy. I wished that it would not be that way, and I eventually caught on to the fact that it isn’t supposed to be– that God is with me each moment, that I should seek to be aware of His presence with me. I would say my parents did have a part in guiding me to this realization, in displaying their desire to follow God’s ways always, in the household, out of the household, in all our fights, and in many of our interactions. They trained me to think of God’s response to situations I faced, and I did so unconsciously, but I would say that God ultimately gave me these epiphanies: that this is how He wants to walk with me.

I found it interesting to hear my mother (back then a younger mother) share about her worry that we “lack the day-to-day spiritual living of biblical truth”. I see so much beauty in her words, her desire to model what living God’s truth would look like; when I look at my parents today, I thank God for them– I acknowledge that in my life there are no role models I look to more than my parents. Of course, they are not perfect. We are far from perfect. We still have arguments. We still make mistakes. We still have misunderstanding. We are far from fully sympathizing with each other. And yet this allows my mother’s convictions– that while she wanted to model God’s love and wisdom, she wanted us to look to Christ as our ultimate model of love and wisdom– to stand. My parents, in my eyes, are indeed flawed, but I admire them all the more because they have shown time and time again a reliance on God instead to find the right way as they struggled with parenting. Their humility left in me no shame in being wrong, or flawed, or not knowing everything; instead pushing me to seek and rely on the God who is righteous, perfect, and all knowing.

I cannot deny that God has been with our family. I cannot deny that we have grown a lot over the years. I cannot deny that I am blessed richly to have parents who love God, rely on Him and desire to serve Him with all they have. They have given me the foundation to seek God first... I agree with each of my mother’s sentiments that she spoke of all these years ago, and yet, am amazed to hear them because these are all lessons I myself have learnt as I journeyed as a Christian over my own short life. Now, I alongside with my mother, desire to experience for myself knowing the “deep desires of the heart of the Father and of the Son” as I live.

Coming back to my initial thoughts, I want to reassert that I believe in spiritual legacy. Abraham’s involved a covenant with God, which created a bond so powerful it transcended generations, from Isaac, to Jacob, to Judah, to David, to Jesus. Another notable legacy mentioned in the bible was Lois’, who was passed on to her daughter Eunice, whose faith was later seen in her son, Timothy. It means understanding the path that your parents (or predecessors) walked, and how they grew in their walks with God. That requires analyzing the life choices they made, and the kingdoms they built through their work. These efforts and time they spent building you up becomes the foundation that you continue to build on as you then take responsibility for your own walk with God. This carries on their spiritual legacy. Of course not everyone will be given this from his or her parents. However, once we first learn of our need for God, we have the opportunity to choose awareness of our place with God, and can begin building the spiritual legacy that we will one day pass to our children as we teach them, through our own example, of God’s ways.

I guess I wanted to affirm that as a parent, you truly do have the responsibility to bring your child up in God’s ways, and this can really give your children a great foundation to their own walk. (I do want to insert that not every child will turn out the way you always hope even if you have made your best efforts. This is simply because each individual has his or her own walk, and choices to make. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to be the most God glorifying parent you can be.) I also want to affirm that even if this is something you have not done, that God still works in your child, and you have to entrust that He has been and will guide your child, as he continues to guide you. Even so, in this realization, there are still choices you can make regarding your family that honors the Lord. I lastly want to affirm that although your parents may not have begun or left you a legacy, that that is not something to mourn over either. You have still the choice to start your own legacy. So, my sisters and brothers, be aware of the spiritual matters the Lord has given you authority over. May Christ’s wisdom, patience, trust in and faithfulness to the Father, be with you as you walk and build.

The Gospel of the Kingdom

"The perfect and only God always existed. This God is one, but also three, because being so great, in love and life, He beheld His own son. This son was with Him always. The three– Father, Son and His Spirit, are absolutely joyfilled in their fellowship, and were greatly glorified.

Wishing to share this great glory, joy, love and fellowship, God created all things, from time, to space, to matter, to people. To share in the greatest joy, glory and love, people would have to find them in their source– God Himself. They would have to live in a way that honoured the source– in God's right ways. Living in God's ways says He rules in their lives and thus, establishes His kingdom. God wanted people to love Him truly and freely, not because He commanded them to, so He gave people freewill to choose: live in His right ways, or in their own ways. 

However, existing outside of time, God already saw through all history that people would choose their own selfish and temporary pleasures. Turning away from the source of life meant that people would have to loose eternal life and absolute joy; they instead would die. So God, before creating, established a masterplan with a secret key which would allow creation to not die, but live in His joy. This secret key was His own son who was with Him before all creation began. 

He gave His son, in the place of all created man, to be put to death to ensure that selfish creation that chose the path of eternal death, could be given a chance to choose eternal life instead. 

Because this son was put to death, the penalty for selfishly turning away from the source of life was paid. And because this son always lived in God's ways, he was completely innocent of all selfishness, and so when he was put to death, death itself lost to him, and the son was brought back to life! 

Any Man or Woman, if:

• Repentant

• Believing that the son did indeed die for them and rose again to life

• Having changed, lived in God's ways

... were given eternal joy, life and glory! Just as the son died, and was brought back to life, mankind (though deserving death), could come back to choose life as well! 

At the end of all Time and History, God's rule will be established– God's glorious kingdom come at last. God in fellowship with His people will live forever, glorifying God, and sharing in the greatest joy, fullness and purpose of life that could ever be conceived of."

Battling Inadequacy

For you I have not enough time

For you I have not done a good enough job

For you I am not fast enough

For you I am not competent

For you I am too distracted

For you I do not show enough love 

For you I am not present

For You I do not give my all

For you I do not give enough 

For you I am not enough like the world

For you I have not experienced enough

For you I am not good enough. 

For try as I might, I am human. 

What say You? 

For in You is all time

For You have done all that is to be done

For You see the work of my hands, and all that is in my heart

For You would spend an eternity walking with me however long it takes 

For You are fully adequate 

For You are all focus

For You have accepted my love 

For You are always present 

For You have given me Christ

For You I want to give my life

For You I am not of this world

For You I will experience and grow 

For You make me good, as You are good, 

because You are God. 

I will keep living and working so that of me You will be proud, with me you will be pleased, and by me You will be glorified. 

The Invisible Rifts Between Us

When I was in teens worship, I had a strong dislike for various individuals who also attended teens.

My thoughts can be summed up as such:
• They claim to be Christians, but they don't step out of their cliques to make newer members of Teens Worship feel like part of the Church.
• They seem to be shells, whom I try to talk to but don't seem interested in really getting to know me truly.
• They don't seem interested in talking about God's word. Or anything that was more meaningful.
• I can't see where God is in their lives.

And so on. Such presumptuous thoughts.

I struggled a lot on some days with going to service and fellowship with them because of these thoughts and feelings. I eventually shunned them. There was a growing gap between us. It was "Hello" and "How are you?" and "Good!" and "Okay then."

By God's grace, we all continued on to our college fellowship. By His grace, I continued to attend our particular Church.

I would say that a huge theme for me during the first year of university was community. I felt a huge push from God to learn to love my brothers and sisters in Christ. To be there for them. That loving community is the result of loving Him.

So I pushed myself to go to events, to be there, with and in community. And I began to get to know them just a little more. At the end of that year's fellowship retreat I did shared about the above mentioned struggle to love and understand some of these individuals in the Church. And I apologized to them, even if they didn't know about the feelings that I had kept hidden within.

And so I continued to walk with this fellowship. We all did.

~~~

I recently attended a party with a lot of these individuals actually, and my sister later commented that I now get along well with a lot of the individuals that I used to dislike so much. I hadn't actually thought about it by now for quite some time, but I realized that she was right (that's actually what inspired this post).

My moment of revelation however, has to be connected with a reminder that occurred last week. I had been stricken with an unfortunate case of food poisoning, and thus confined to lying in my bed all day. I looked up on my bedroom walls, absolutely bored, and a group of sticky-notes caught my eyes. These sticky-notes had one name on each one, and were all folded in half. I was in that moment reminded, and filled with much gratitude and praise towards God.

~~~

God's grace to me had been extended all those years ago, back when I still was filled with hate and confusion. When I was misled by an attitude that was almost pharisee-like: I disliked these people, because I judged, and I felt that they didn't love God enough.

Yet, even while I was still in this sin, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to pray for my "enemies": People I didn't like. People I didn't understand; God's mercy and grace was imparted to me by Him inspiring this idea. I decided to write down all the names of the people I wasn't close to in teens, and I picked a name each night, and prayed for that person.

When I saw those sticky-notes in my room, this memory came back to me, and I praised God because I realized that intercession for those we do not understand, or agree with, is really really a huge blessing. The intercession was for them, but I realized that God intended it also for myself– God knew that my understanding of what the community of God is, had to change. Perhaps it has changed for all of us over time:

I see now that God is and has always been working in all of their lives. And mine as well. He knew back then, just what was needed. When I look at my Church community now, I cannot help but tear up, because I am so so proud of how we have grown, not just individually, but also together as a Church. And I am filled with much joy because I know that we continue to desire to develop these relationships with each other.

You are now people, that I look forward to getting together with. To spending time with. To sharing games and conversation and laughs with. I look forward to hearing your stories, and how you have been doing, what God has been doing in your lives. To sharing what God has been doing in my life. To finding ways that I can love you guys, and receive the love that you guys pour out to the people around you. I am very thankful for all the people in our fellowship. I see members who are trying to seek God in their lives, who are trying to understand Him and who are there for each other as well.

And finally, after five years (or something-the-like), I feel like Church, these people, is home.

Tolerance vs Acceptance (feat dphiten)

I am really appreciative of having someone else to work with me; dphiten gave me the inspiration for this post, but I know he's inspired by God. 

Last night, I was attempting to write some encouraging cards to several of our friends, and I found that for all the words I seem capable of pouring out in various channels, I had an absolutely blank mind. Why? Why the stump? 

A later discussion with dphiten highlighted what I didn't realize was right in front of me. 

There is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. We are taught in school, through PSA's, and through society, that tolerance is the key to peace. This word, tolerance, is sometimes substituted with acceptance. But the meaning remains– tolerance. 

Peace and love was one of the motto's of the 60's, and peace and love are part of the Fruit of the Spirit. If so, why did the 60's turn out to be such a confusing (and possibly destructive) period? Tolerance was letting everyone do whatever they felt was the right thing, and then doing whatever you feel like. Which does sound pretty good, but it doesn't bring true peace, or love. I would say love is more closely tied with acceptance. 

True peace and love descends when acceptance is practiced– instead of watching others do whatever they like, and doing whatever you like, acceptance is making sure whatever you do is for someone else. 

We often follow through with the world view that we're taught– to tolerate. And man was it a slap to the face when dphiten pointed out that I was a very tolerant person. Tolerant but not accepting. It is for that reason that true loving becomes so difficult for me. 

And so, I was and am convicted and challenged. To do what I knew I should've done:

For "if I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." ~I Corinthians 13: 1-2

Thank you for your prayers. 

And thank and praise God who never ceases to watch over His children. 

I am a Wreck

He says to me, "Jae, my grace is enough for you. Remember, my power is made perfect in weakness."

So I lean into His gentle presence and reply, "I will then gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that you, and your strength and might, and every thing that is possible with You, will be also with me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I am still learning how to live*, each day. I think we all are. And that's okay. No matter how old you are. Because living is a lifelong choice and commitment.

I am a wreck, and I struggle almost every day to not be one. But I am. I fail a lot. I let my emotions take control of my relationships. I let them rip apart people I love. I don't honour my parents everyday. I choose selfishness, or fail to find time. I get distracted by things that are not going to last. I choose this world. This flesh. This shadow reality. I fall to temptation.

But in all these moments. I know that some days I fight really hard. Among all these days, there will be one that I choose to encourage my friends, my family. There will be one that I dig into His word. There will be one that I fall on my knees and am drawn into prayer or worship. There will be one that I feel Him nearer. And when I have one of those days, I can only come to that singular conclusion: He makes it possible.

I love Him so much. Only in Him am I complete and worthy. And I will spend all my days running to His side. No matter how far back I find myself, I hope I will always keep running.

After all, I can't run physically, so I have to get my exercise Spiritually :P

*eternally

Dear D

Dear D,

I don't know how you feel. But I've gone through my own feelings. I know that they feel isolated, and that your circumstance is as unique as my own. If there's anyone who's gone through what I have, I haven't personally met them yet. And that's okay.

People, even close loved ones, have demeaned my feelings. Saying its a simple matter of mind over emotion. Of mental over spiritual. They look at me in worry. Genuinely concerned. Or wondering where they went wrong. They don't expect it from me, and they look at me, wondering who this foreign girl is. To have my feelings denied, and my faith judged by people I trust... These all, I laid to rest, and am not angry at them for. I still love them as much as ever.

As a Christian, for years it's been almost taboo to be depressed. Sometimes, It's not that the people around me don't care. Sometimes they just don't know how to deal with those emotions, or the situation, because we all hide them till its a cycle of brushing our dirt under the rugs and locking our demons in our closets. I appreciate that they want me to feel joyful, strong and sensible. In a better placement. As for trying to figure out what went wrong, I think it's even more important to figure out what to do right from now on out. And then sometimes it's less to do with figuring out the solutions, and more to just be there in support, encouragement, or just to listen without judging, silently, or verbally praying with him/her as they struggle with worldy fears, and learning to trust and find that peace and assurance in God. We have our moments where we trip up. And we trip up more than once in our lifetimes.

I am praying for you. You who have felt sad, bitter, alone, fearful, insecure.

Depressed.

Feeling these emotions doesn't make you less of a Christian. It doesn't make you less loved by God.

Yours Truly,
Jae, who has been depressed, but by the grace of God, has found joy, love and peace. I'm still fighting to be a better lover of God. I still feel those emotions from time to time. But I know the truth. That I am saved, and that He will allow me to stand up once again, as long as I hold His hand.

Heart and Home Breaking

I recently found out that there is this online business which promotes infidelity. Essentially it is a dating website specifically for married people. It is devastating to learn that businesses like these exist. It offers husbands and wives an extra push towards breaking up their homes on a silver platter, and in addition to this wound, they spread this globally!

I pray that this destructive spirit which breaks up what has been brought together by God will be fought in the spiritual world. Imagine the children affected! The remaining spouse affected! Its truly heart-breaking. 

People hurting people. Trust broken by those closet to you. 

I pray we stand strong with the Lord's overpowering love which overcomes the weak temptations of the flesh. That we desire to seek and learn how to love our husbands, wives, children, in the way that God loves us. In a nurturing and unconditional way. He never says "You don't love me enough and your love isn't good enough," when we offer what we know to be everything– the little and humblest we have. 

He says, "I know that I should have all the glory and love in the universe. All creation sings my praise. You tried, are trying, and I know you will fail. But I forgive and still love you for I know you will also learn to love even more. I see you as you are, as you were and I know who you will be my darling beloved bride. You will/do love me."Yes, He forgives us. Because He knows where our hearts will be at the end. 

He loves and sees our love out of the context that is time. It is when we no longer see the love that our spouse/significant other gives as it is in the present or past time, but in all of present past and future that we are able to overcome the hurdle of holding grudges for current shortcomings. 

As we are not God we cannot see all three. But we can trust that God is working in them just as He is within yourself. 

Maybe that is in itself one of the keys to forgiveness as much as it is one of the keys to loving. Trusting in the Lord, and letting it go to Him. 

Relationships

The life that we have we gave up to God.
The life that He gave back we give away to others.
And so, He can once again fill us,
And others can also in turn, pour themselves into us as well.

Being in relationship isn’t about getting along, being happy all the time, or receiving a crutch we can lean stand on. Its about growth, learning how to lean on God, support your counterpart and allowing your counterpart to support you. 

Its all about having this other person reflecting upon you all the flaws that you do not see in yourself, and allowing you to know where you can improve on. 

Its about having this other person reflecting upon you all the strengths that you do not see in yourself, and allowing you to know what God has blessed you with that you can use to further serve Him and His kingdom. 

Its about learning to care for another as you do yourself. To protect, serve, and uplift to God another, just as you do yourself. 

Loving someone, allows us to learn just how to love everyone else. 

It also has me amazed at how God loves so freely. Realize how much he doesn’t struggle with it like we do. Well… He is love. But it gives me a greater glimpse into His personality. In His patience, wisdom, everlasting strength and power. He is so so able. He is never faint, unlike us. Time is nothing to Him, while it is a complete weakness to us. 

The Third Path

I walked in the sun today. My walk consisted of three main parts.

The first was a reading of Ecclesiastics. Everything is meaningless, everything we chase will one day come to an end. We are no better than anyone else. The future is the same for everyone: Physical death.


The second was of paths. I came upon two paths, and asked Him, which should I tread upon? Which way is better? The long path that takes me around the park, or the shorter cutting through the park. Which way is best to go home?

And I stood there a while. The longer path allows me more time to walk and seek Him before getting home. The shorter path allows me the fastest way home. Which is better? How do I know which will be better?

I turned around, thinking I would walk without seeing which direction I'd end up in. Then, I saw that in life, neither path would be known to me, shorter or longer. It would be only the unknown. The only direction to move was forward. So I walked straight ahead, and onto the third path: the path between that I couldn't see. It was not a paved path, it was bumpy, grassy, and no one else treads this same path. It is my path. I also do not know what the next step will be, because the path is not known to me. However, it is known to God.

This week, I've been struggling with uncertainty, and being unable to plan some things of the future, or be certain of things that are to happen.

Choosing the third path, choosing to trust in Him, includes accepting that the path ahead of you is unseen, might be hard, might be different from everyone else's.

Like all other paths, it will take us home though.

The path might cross other paths, for we are all on journeys; We (saved by Him) will all get home.


The third was on the third path. I came across a tree, same as I came across at the beginning of the week. Half cherry red, half brilliant green, and I was reminded that my life was colourful and full– a realization that had come to me earlier this week (which I do not reiterate at the moment).

Our lives are blessings, and we can take pleasure in living, and growing, but at the end of the day, we also give this all life for eternity, where a different joy takes over.

And I was home.

Facebook Photo Attacks

It always happens: You scroll down the newsfeed. (It's like you're digging for disaster.) A photo pops up. Old friends. Lovers. Enemies. Old memories. You're struck with a familiar sense of tenderness, lined with horror, anger, bitterness, hurt. Your battle scars burn. 

When you feel like life hits you hard reminding you of the people you've lost, think of the people you're blessed and thankful for now. Recognise that God is changing you, and building you. Pray for those in your past, pray for those with you now, pray for those God will bring you. Realize that none were, are, or will be yours.

Remember that they were, are and always will be His. 

This is when can we stand up under these attacks from our pasts.

Its all about Him. 

Catalogue

We know that God is constantly with us in our lives, and often cares for us in ways we do not expect. Its also insane to think of how many problems there are in the world, from trivial to extreme, and yet the ruler and Lord of all the universe still is so great that He chooses and is able to tend to each and every one. Sometimes it may not seem that He does, but perhaps we come to this conclusion more so because of the fact that what we wanted to happen, or felt should have happened, did not. Coming round to the root, its about understanding His character, why He is working a certain way. 

My (main) problem of yesterday was petty. It was self-centered, it was rooted in insecurity, and the weakness of the flesh. I received a call from my siblings after I got in the house, letting me know that they were out without me, doing an activity we had agreed we would do together earlier this month. Having been left to my own devices for the day by friends, I had anticipated at least getting to do something with them. Family had not let me down yet. However, yesterday, I was in short, upset. Upset because I felt let down by my friends and my family. 

I struggled briefly with knowing that I needed to rely on God first, and not on any other human in my life. I tried to pick up my bible to read. I tried to pray. However, nothing clicked. I was in the stony silence of my room on a semi-sunny summer's day– a feeling I've hated for a decent amount of time. I headed upstairs. 

There was a catalogue on the kitchen countertop.

I picked the booklet up, and flipped through the catalogue, dejected. 

I sat in silence, bookmarking the catalogue with sticky-notes. With each page, I began to take in detail. Lines, colour, pattern, texture. 

I was enjoying myself. I began to see the catalogue as art in its own form. Each spread put together to appeal to the senses. 

By the time I came to the last page, a peaceful contentment had fallen upon me. It was like sitting by a fireplace, sipping a warm cup of hot chocolate on a blizzardly Winter's night. In fact, I had not felt a peace like that in a while, not from a catalogue, not in Church, not from reading His word. I had to concede. It was not a peace from myself. Its a silly thing to think of from God, but every blessing is from Him. He knows our likes and our dislikes, and just what we need to be cheered up, to be at peace. 

I believe that He sent me that catalogue right then, when the timing was perfect. And beyond just "making me feel better" I knew that He wanted me to know: He knows me best. 

It may have been a foolish problem. It may have been an unconventional solution. Yet, aren't most problems to God? He touches our lives every day, in what we deem to be the smallest of ways. But that's where the walk starts. In the end, it comes back to Him. 

He understands us. Do we understand that of Him? I want to choose to come to Him as well, and seek to understand, not just what is happening in my life, but Him. 

Yesterday, He showed me how He cares, how He knows me, and how gentle and patient He is. 

Faithful

Someone once used the word faithful to describe this blog. 

Honestly, these posts come at a time of realization– usually the end of the track where I have fallen, or at complete random– in a period of stagnancy in my walk. These are inspirations that push me forward, out of times when I have been weaker. 

Just thought I'd address that. 

Now onto a struggle I've been facing recently. 

I've only on extremely rare occasions considered myself a "fun" person. When I was about eleven or twelve I often asserted an air of superiority over my older cousins, where I would insist on them being more serious in their actions, games and conversation. I often got "stop acting so mature", in response. I received a similar comment from my boyfriend a week ago regarding my views of fun relating to maturity. 

My views of fun have been influenced by conservative notions drilled into my head since young, and the current cultural view of having fun in North America. However, I would like to add one more point of view to the mix– God's. 

I believe God has a sense of humour. Out of everyone you can pick, who would understand joy and laughter more than He? God created pleasure. He took great pleasure in spending time with Adam, with enjoying His creation. Our culture encourages enjoying time with friends (this can sometimes include a more self-centred approach: I want to hang out with others so I can be happy). God encourages fellowship (I want to develop these relationships between her/him and myself, in God). His is a pure and eternal lasting kind of pleasure.

God's sense of fun isn't rigid, or boring, or humourlessly distasteful as I was quick to determine it to be. In the name of morals, I had a skewed view that in order to be appropriate and faithful, one had to silence jokes of this world, puts a stop to their ideas of fun. However, this was not necessarily true in every case. 

I needed to ask myself about truth. True joy, true enjoyment, comes from the Lord. Does the way our temporary culture encourage, portray and reflect God's true joy? Sometimes it could. Sometimes it doesn't. I need to discern between the two. And finally, ask myself how we can choose to manifest God's true joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, goodness, and faithfulness in our interactions in the time we spend with our friends and others that we meet here on Earth. 

I don't feel like I have to be a fun person, but I know that I want to be a person who takes joy in interacting with others, takes pleasure in enjoying our fellowship and activities together, and hopefully our conversation and time together will be able to reflect God's love and care. 

An interpretation of Psalm 64

Sometimes we fear that we're being ungrateful and shouldn't dare bother God with our discontentments and petty issues that put us into moods. However, David makes it a point to issue a complaint to God. He knows that it is better to lift up his problems to God rather than rashly lash out at the problem, in this case, his enemies.

When David lifts this problem up to God, he indicates that he believes that God is in control and ultimately will be the righteous judge who executes justice. If David's enemies truly deserve punishment, David knows that God will be fair.

And David ends off with a reminder that in the end all the righteous need do is trust and praise God, and let Him be our rock and conquerer. The problem is now in His hands.

Sometimes when we do not know what to pray, God gives us His word to pray and meditate on. Psalm 64 isn't so that we can curse our enemies and ask God to smite them with destruction, but so that we can remember to submit to Him, knowing that He sees all. We need only continue to praise Him.

Physical Limitations

I've had migraines ever since the sixth grade. They used to come more often, every few months. But in recent years I have had them coming about twice a year– if I'm fortunate this streak will continue.

They start with a tampering in my vision. Pixellated vision. Or white blotches. This is when I know to take my medication.

Then the pain. Gradually, and then its all in my mind. Pinching, piercing, taunting.

I want to groan, to scream, to cry out. I ask why it happens. I beg, plead. Just a little relief. Just one less time. Just a little more control.

Then the nasty part. I will need to vomit. And I feel so weak, and unable. So bound to a disgusting, frail body that wastes away day after day after day.

And as I tear, and after a few rounds of retching, I finally am given the solace of being able to fall into a sleep. And the medication then is able to make the problem fade.

I wake up weak, but I feel like the whole process had just been a nightmare. One that I know will return one day. And in the next instance, it will feel just as real, just as painful, and when its over, I will feel just as powerless. And I fear the next time it will come.

I was quite unwell a few weeks ago. I typically do not fall very ill very often. There's usually too much work to be done, and I can't afford to. Once I feel like sickness is on my doorstep, I usually start to hydrate myself better, sleep a little more than my regular pittance of hours, and of course pop in some flu/cold pills, especially if I feel like a running nose is coming on. I fell sick within a very short period of time. I knew that I had not been sleeping much the week. But I really began to feel the weakness seep in at the end of a long Friday at the store. I couldn't smile anymore. My body was beginning to ache. Running nose, coupled with the beginnings of a mild cough. Okay, no big deal. I would be okay. Its not like I haven't faced a running nose before. I pop in two pills and hope that I'm good for the night. But it gets worse, and I only get more tired. I cancel the night's plans.

In the end, I spend almost the week in bed. I have never taken so many days off before. I have never been confined to my bed, to my body, to how weak I am for such an extended period of time. I miss Church. I miss three days of school (unheard of! and definitely not lessening the amount of stress!). And somewhere in the midst of sick days, I feel so drugged up by the Buckley's pills. So out of my mind. So held together by chemicals. I feel sick of them, and I was sick of being ill.

I started to miss dosages of the medication. I wanted to be able to feel myself again. I didn't want to be on chemicals. But I wasn't getting better. I could feel, and I could get up, instead of barely being able to get out of bed, but I wasn't getting better. I had to go back to the pills, and by the end of the week, I was forcing them down my throat. I'm used to having to take pills due to my migraines. They go down in seconds, and I can even do them without water, bad as that is. But I hated them then. I hated how much I relied on them. How they knocked me out completely. Prevented me from doing a thing. No homework.... ... And on a totally random derailment of thought, I had never slept so much for the whole school year.

A day before I fell into that black hole of illness, I had been talking to a friend. And we touched on the subject of spiritual healing. I realized that I had never really questioned it, never given much thought on where it was in our day and age. I've never been proud of my body. I knew I was weak. I had never questioned those weaknesses. I always accepted them as part of being human– and as a sinner, who was I to ask for any better? Its by God's grace that I received any blessing at all. I guess I never really took on the "I'm a daughter of Christ so I deserve healing, physical strength, health" spectrum of thought.

If you asked me, I don't have an answer to why God doesn't heal us at times. But I do know from my own experience that weaknesses do bring us closer to Him, more than any strength can in many cases. And I do know that if I were to pick spiritual healing, emotional healing, mental healing, or physical healing, I'd rather pick the spiritual healing first. For these all stem from it. And it lasts eternally. Our lives start with God. And when we can see and understand from where He sees and where His heart is, we will be healed in emotional aspects. We will be given a new mental perspective. And He will give us strength beyond the natural. The rest of our lives start at one point. And that's where we go to Him first.

I'd like to end the post with a short description of the last migraine I had.

I was groaning in bed. Again, asking God why, and praying for the pain to cease. I could feel it move about my head as I turned and turned. And I screamed out. Finally, I picked up my phone and started a worship list that I had saved on it. Four songs. Overcome (Jeremy Camp), You're Beautiful (Phil Wickham), Lord I offer my Life to You (Hillsong), How can I keep from Singing (Chris Tomlin). And I sang. In pain. In weakness. In humility. And I knew that I was leaning on Him alone.

Each situation of pain is different. And in each case God may show Himself in different ways. For me, I do believe that in my weakness, God is lifted higher. I trust in Him more. And I know He vindicates me of being just a physical being.

I think we all have to grapple with our own understanding of how God is working in our lives, and it is okay to ask Him.

Oh and about the long week and a bit of illness– I had lost my voice. If I recall correctly, I got it back in a whisper, just as I had lost it. The first day that I could sing again was beautiful.