Physical Limitations

I've had migraines ever since the sixth grade. They used to come more often, every few months. But in recent years I have had them coming about twice a year– if I'm fortunate this streak will continue.

They start with a tampering in my vision. Pixellated vision. Or white blotches. This is when I know to take my medication.

Then the pain. Gradually, and then its all in my mind. Pinching, piercing, taunting.

I want to groan, to scream, to cry out. I ask why it happens. I beg, plead. Just a little relief. Just one less time. Just a little more control.

Then the nasty part. I will need to vomit. And I feel so weak, and unable. So bound to a disgusting, frail body that wastes away day after day after day.

And as I tear, and after a few rounds of retching, I finally am given the solace of being able to fall into a sleep. And the medication then is able to make the problem fade.

I wake up weak, but I feel like the whole process had just been a nightmare. One that I know will return one day. And in the next instance, it will feel just as real, just as painful, and when its over, I will feel just as powerless. And I fear the next time it will come.

I was quite unwell a few weeks ago. I typically do not fall very ill very often. There's usually too much work to be done, and I can't afford to. Once I feel like sickness is on my doorstep, I usually start to hydrate myself better, sleep a little more than my regular pittance of hours, and of course pop in some flu/cold pills, especially if I feel like a running nose is coming on. I fell sick within a very short period of time. I knew that I had not been sleeping much the week. But I really began to feel the weakness seep in at the end of a long Friday at the store. I couldn't smile anymore. My body was beginning to ache. Running nose, coupled with the beginnings of a mild cough. Okay, no big deal. I would be okay. Its not like I haven't faced a running nose before. I pop in two pills and hope that I'm good for the night. But it gets worse, and I only get more tired. I cancel the night's plans.

In the end, I spend almost the week in bed. I have never taken so many days off before. I have never been confined to my bed, to my body, to how weak I am for such an extended period of time. I miss Church. I miss three days of school (unheard of! and definitely not lessening the amount of stress!). And somewhere in the midst of sick days, I feel so drugged up by the Buckley's pills. So out of my mind. So held together by chemicals. I feel sick of them, and I was sick of being ill.

I started to miss dosages of the medication. I wanted to be able to feel myself again. I didn't want to be on chemicals. But I wasn't getting better. I could feel, and I could get up, instead of barely being able to get out of bed, but I wasn't getting better. I had to go back to the pills, and by the end of the week, I was forcing them down my throat. I'm used to having to take pills due to my migraines. They go down in seconds, and I can even do them without water, bad as that is. But I hated them then. I hated how much I relied on them. How they knocked me out completely. Prevented me from doing a thing. No homework.... ... And on a totally random derailment of thought, I had never slept so much for the whole school year.

A day before I fell into that black hole of illness, I had been talking to a friend. And we touched on the subject of spiritual healing. I realized that I had never really questioned it, never given much thought on where it was in our day and age. I've never been proud of my body. I knew I was weak. I had never questioned those weaknesses. I always accepted them as part of being human– and as a sinner, who was I to ask for any better? Its by God's grace that I received any blessing at all. I guess I never really took on the "I'm a daughter of Christ so I deserve healing, physical strength, health" spectrum of thought.

If you asked me, I don't have an answer to why God doesn't heal us at times. But I do know from my own experience that weaknesses do bring us closer to Him, more than any strength can in many cases. And I do know that if I were to pick spiritual healing, emotional healing, mental healing, or physical healing, I'd rather pick the spiritual healing first. For these all stem from it. And it lasts eternally. Our lives start with God. And when we can see and understand from where He sees and where His heart is, we will be healed in emotional aspects. We will be given a new mental perspective. And He will give us strength beyond the natural. The rest of our lives start at one point. And that's where we go to Him first.

I'd like to end the post with a short description of the last migraine I had.

I was groaning in bed. Again, asking God why, and praying for the pain to cease. I could feel it move about my head as I turned and turned. And I screamed out. Finally, I picked up my phone and started a worship list that I had saved on it. Four songs. Overcome (Jeremy Camp), You're Beautiful (Phil Wickham), Lord I offer my Life to You (Hillsong), How can I keep from Singing (Chris Tomlin). And I sang. In pain. In weakness. In humility. And I knew that I was leaning on Him alone.

Each situation of pain is different. And in each case God may show Himself in different ways. For me, I do believe that in my weakness, God is lifted higher. I trust in Him more. And I know He vindicates me of being just a physical being.

I think we all have to grapple with our own understanding of how God is working in our lives, and it is okay to ask Him.

Oh and about the long week and a bit of illness– I had lost my voice. If I recall correctly, I got it back in a whisper, just as I had lost it. The first day that I could sing again was beautiful.

Rebuke from Friends

I know its been a while (it always is). What can I share that's been happening in my life lately? Oh its been crazy... I've been learning a load about humility, priorities, and definitely letting go and trusting in God. And I'm circling community, as I have this past year. Unfortunately it'll take a while to share about all of the above. So I'll just share a bit about friendship.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" ~Proverbs 27:5-6

There are different perspectives from which you can take this verse.

1) Who is a friend to trust?

2) How can I be a true friend?

Who is a friend to trust: It takes humility to be able to really listen to feedback that others give us. I used to be, and still am very defensive when it comes to criticism. However, I have been reminded that others can have a much better view of your weaknesses, and it is only when they actually tell you that you can work on these weaknesses. The rebuke of a friend is very precious and it shows how much they care about you and want you to become a better person. The rebuke of a friend reveals much about their desirable character and qualities, and about how they trust in God. This leads me to the second point...

How can I be a true friend: Rebuking a friend can be tough. People hate to be told where they fall short. Ashamed, angry, exposed. Rebuke risks the relationship. It could make or break it. When you rebuke a friend out of love, you are placing your relationship with the person in God's hands, knowing that He guides you both. And you are also trusting God with where the relationship goes from there.

Remember that a brother or sister that rebukes out of love has your back. They believe in you– that you can change and become a better and more God loving person.

At the Crossroads of Life and Death

Sometimes, when we grow up in a certain setting we feel we do not really have to choose where we end up.

But the line between eternal life and eternal death is actually really thin.

Do not let the Devil have a foothold.

Yet "Trust in the Lord", a phrase so easy to say, so hard to keep.

A phrase that means everything when you stand on the line between two of the oldest enemies in "Time".

And if you ever do, which I hope you never have to, I pray you pray God gives you strength. I pray that you remember, Jesus died for you. Its such a basic, simple statement that we all know, and many were brought up on it, its so simple, but think about that statement. Everything, the purest, most beautiful, righteous, glorious, He became, defiled, slain, cursed, for you.

For you, a broken being. For you, forever struggling. For you, always in pain. For you, always seeking for more. For you, a greedy, selfish creature. For you, self-centered, and self-serving. For you, a human. Why are you throwing it all away? Why are you throwing love away? Why are you throwing life away? Why are you throwing hope away?

You are loved. I promise you. There is hope. There is a reason to keep going on. There is a reason why. Even if you may not see it now, trust. And let Him be in control. He knows where you're going, now and always. And I pray, we make it to the end.



He died for you.

Child-like Trust

Simple little things in life remind me of my need to trust our Heavenly Father in all ways.

It started with a cherry. Or cherries.

Late at night I was sharing some cherries with my father, sort of like a midnight snack, and I came across a cherry with a bump. Unsure of whether it was good to eat or rotten, I put it back in the bowl. Kind of "rotten", pardon the pun, of me? For one it occurred to me to ask my father whether it was alright to eat it. It reminded me of how when you're a kid you always ask your parents whether food or fruits (or anything pretty much) is alright to eat. You're unsure, you don't know what a rotten fruit is, or if the hole in the apple is a puncture or a wormhole, or if the brown skin on the plum means that the plum has gone bad or if it is just dry skin. You rely on your parents to tell you that it is okay to go ahead and consume and enjoy the fruit.

Another thought that occurred to me as I placed the cherry back in the bowl was that when my father came across the cherry, he would know whether to eat it or not without me having to ask.

A short episode from a few days before came back to my mind. I was blow-drying my hair and facing the door when I noticed an odd insect I was unfamiliar with sitting on the door. I watched it warily like a hawk watching its prey. Trust me, I am deadly and deathly fearful of insects, especially ones I knew nothing about. The said insect sat pretty still for a few minutes, so I finally deemed it relatively safe. It was far enough from me and perhaps it would move away far enough from the door by the time I was done by my hair. However, when I did finish with my hair, the creature suddenly left its spot on the door and came flying right at me. I did what most girls (even some, like in my case, teenaged ones) in my place would. I screamed. Or shrieked. Call it what you will.

What happened next? Of course my parents called from the living room asking what was wrong. I tried to reassure them I was fine, the insect now having flown to a nearby wall, with me desperately swinging the hair-dryer in its direction. I yelled that there was simply some large weird insect on the wall. The next thing I knew, my Dad came running in with a plastic bag. I pointed to the insect, and he scooped it up with barely a word. And it was gone.

These two episodes are simple and to an extent ridiculous. But they reminded me of a similar not so subtle theme that can be summed up in these points:
1) Children trust their parents to know what they do not.
2) Children trust their parents to protect them from what they are afraid of.
3) Children trust their parents to tell them that it is alright to go ahead with what they are unsure of.

Children also trust their parents in a lot of other ways and things, but to keep this short, I shall not elaborate. (:

The simple message that I'm trying to bring across is the reminder that we all need to have child-like faith, and child-like trust in our heavenly Father. Like a child who runs to her father when she is unsure of whether it is alright to eat an apple with a hole indented in its skin, or like a small child who runs to his father when he is afraid of a fierce dog, we must run to God when we face uncertainties or things that frighten us in life. Even though we know this, we often turn to other things for support and to snuff out our fears, things that are temporary and fleeting.

Having child-like trust takes humility. It is almost like an admission of weakness, of inability to protect or be sure of yourself. But the truth is, humans are weak and vulnerable, but we are proud. It is harder that it sounds to take that courageous step to be humble. Yet it is not impossible and again, this is a saving grace.

And this saving grace is a gift we can take.

Lovely eating cherries.

Solitary

There are instances in which being alone is a good thing. Of course there's a flip side to being by yourself.

Solitary moments can help to refine us, and can help in the building of our relationships with God. Spending a few minutes alone to meditate or just talk to God does wonders at times.

But then there's the loneliness we all dread. The moments where we yearn for other human contact. We feel so alone in life that we are driven nearly ballistic. How do we seek comfort and peace at these times?

We know we're never alone. This is something we're all been taught over and over since we could sing "Jesus loves me." We all acknowledge His (God's) omnipresence. So how do we apply the theory we know so well into life? We know a lot of things. Most Christians who are born into Christian families know the basic black and whites. However, hitting teenage years and beyond, we all know its not as simple as that when we're out there in the world.

Acknowledge God's control in and over your life. Through all situations, even if you're having the worse day ever, praise Him. He's still the almighty. He's still the magnificent. He's still wonderful and unfathomable. He never let you down. He still Loves. He still is love.