The Invisible Rifts Between Us

When I was in teens worship, I had a strong dislike for various individuals who also attended teens.

My thoughts can be summed up as such:
• They claim to be Christians, but they don't step out of their cliques to make newer members of Teens Worship feel like part of the Church.
• They seem to be shells, whom I try to talk to but don't seem interested in really getting to know me truly.
• They don't seem interested in talking about God's word. Or anything that was more meaningful.
• I can't see where God is in their lives.

And so on. Such presumptuous thoughts.

I struggled a lot on some days with going to service and fellowship with them because of these thoughts and feelings. I eventually shunned them. There was a growing gap between us. It was "Hello" and "How are you?" and "Good!" and "Okay then."

By God's grace, we all continued on to our college fellowship. By His grace, I continued to attend our particular Church.

I would say that a huge theme for me during the first year of university was community. I felt a huge push from God to learn to love my brothers and sisters in Christ. To be there for them. That loving community is the result of loving Him.

So I pushed myself to go to events, to be there, with and in community. And I began to get to know them just a little more. At the end of that year's fellowship retreat I did shared about the above mentioned struggle to love and understand some of these individuals in the Church. And I apologized to them, even if they didn't know about the feelings that I had kept hidden within.

And so I continued to walk with this fellowship. We all did.

~~~

I recently attended a party with a lot of these individuals actually, and my sister later commented that I now get along well with a lot of the individuals that I used to dislike so much. I hadn't actually thought about it by now for quite some time, but I realized that she was right (that's actually what inspired this post).

My moment of revelation however, has to be connected with a reminder that occurred last week. I had been stricken with an unfortunate case of food poisoning, and thus confined to lying in my bed all day. I looked up on my bedroom walls, absolutely bored, and a group of sticky-notes caught my eyes. These sticky-notes had one name on each one, and were all folded in half. I was in that moment reminded, and filled with much gratitude and praise towards God.

~~~

God's grace to me had been extended all those years ago, back when I still was filled with hate and confusion. When I was misled by an attitude that was almost pharisee-like: I disliked these people, because I judged, and I felt that they didn't love God enough.

Yet, even while I was still in this sin, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to pray for my "enemies": People I didn't like. People I didn't understand; God's mercy and grace was imparted to me by Him inspiring this idea. I decided to write down all the names of the people I wasn't close to in teens, and I picked a name each night, and prayed for that person.

When I saw those sticky-notes in my room, this memory came back to me, and I praised God because I realized that intercession for those we do not understand, or agree with, is really really a huge blessing. The intercession was for them, but I realized that God intended it also for myself– God knew that my understanding of what the community of God is, had to change. Perhaps it has changed for all of us over time:

I see now that God is and has always been working in all of their lives. And mine as well. He knew back then, just what was needed. When I look at my Church community now, I cannot help but tear up, because I am so so proud of how we have grown, not just individually, but also together as a Church. And I am filled with much joy because I know that we continue to desire to develop these relationships with each other.

You are now people, that I look forward to getting together with. To spending time with. To sharing games and conversation and laughs with. I look forward to hearing your stories, and how you have been doing, what God has been doing in your lives. To sharing what God has been doing in my life. To finding ways that I can love you guys, and receive the love that you guys pour out to the people around you. I am very thankful for all the people in our fellowship. I see members who are trying to seek God in their lives, who are trying to understand Him and who are there for each other as well.

And finally, after five years (or something-the-like), I feel like Church, these people, is home.

Heart and Home Breaking

I recently found out that there is this online business which promotes infidelity. Essentially it is a dating website specifically for married people. It is devastating to learn that businesses like these exist. It offers husbands and wives an extra push towards breaking up their homes on a silver platter, and in addition to this wound, they spread this globally!

I pray that this destructive spirit which breaks up what has been brought together by God will be fought in the spiritual world. Imagine the children affected! The remaining spouse affected! Its truly heart-breaking. 

People hurting people. Trust broken by those closet to you. 

I pray we stand strong with the Lord's overpowering love which overcomes the weak temptations of the flesh. That we desire to seek and learn how to love our husbands, wives, children, in the way that God loves us. In a nurturing and unconditional way. He never says "You don't love me enough and your love isn't good enough," when we offer what we know to be everything– the little and humblest we have. 

He says, "I know that I should have all the glory and love in the universe. All creation sings my praise. You tried, are trying, and I know you will fail. But I forgive and still love you for I know you will also learn to love even more. I see you as you are, as you were and I know who you will be my darling beloved bride. You will/do love me."Yes, He forgives us. Because He knows where our hearts will be at the end. 

He loves and sees our love out of the context that is time. It is when we no longer see the love that our spouse/significant other gives as it is in the present or past time, but in all of present past and future that we are able to overcome the hurdle of holding grudges for current shortcomings. 

As we are not God we cannot see all three. But we can trust that God is working in them just as He is within yourself. 

Maybe that is in itself one of the keys to forgiveness as much as it is one of the keys to loving. Trusting in the Lord, and letting it go to Him. 

Faithful

Someone once used the word faithful to describe this blog. 

Honestly, these posts come at a time of realization– usually the end of the track where I have fallen, or at complete random– in a period of stagnancy in my walk. These are inspirations that push me forward, out of times when I have been weaker. 

Just thought I'd address that. 

Now onto a struggle I've been facing recently. 

I've only on extremely rare occasions considered myself a "fun" person. When I was about eleven or twelve I often asserted an air of superiority over my older cousins, where I would insist on them being more serious in their actions, games and conversation. I often got "stop acting so mature", in response. I received a similar comment from my boyfriend a week ago regarding my views of fun relating to maturity. 

My views of fun have been influenced by conservative notions drilled into my head since young, and the current cultural view of having fun in North America. However, I would like to add one more point of view to the mix– God's. 

I believe God has a sense of humour. Out of everyone you can pick, who would understand joy and laughter more than He? God created pleasure. He took great pleasure in spending time with Adam, with enjoying His creation. Our culture encourages enjoying time with friends (this can sometimes include a more self-centred approach: I want to hang out with others so I can be happy). God encourages fellowship (I want to develop these relationships between her/him and myself, in God). His is a pure and eternal lasting kind of pleasure.

God's sense of fun isn't rigid, or boring, or humourlessly distasteful as I was quick to determine it to be. In the name of morals, I had a skewed view that in order to be appropriate and faithful, one had to silence jokes of this world, puts a stop to their ideas of fun. However, this was not necessarily true in every case. 

I needed to ask myself about truth. True joy, true enjoyment, comes from the Lord. Does the way our temporary culture encourage, portray and reflect God's true joy? Sometimes it could. Sometimes it doesn't. I need to discern between the two. And finally, ask myself how we can choose to manifest God's true joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, goodness, and faithfulness in our interactions in the time we spend with our friends and others that we meet here on Earth. 

I don't feel like I have to be a fun person, but I know that I want to be a person who takes joy in interacting with others, takes pleasure in enjoying our fellowship and activities together, and hopefully our conversation and time together will be able to reflect God's love and care. 

Rebuke from Friends

I know its been a while (it always is). What can I share that's been happening in my life lately? Oh its been crazy... I've been learning a load about humility, priorities, and definitely letting go and trusting in God. And I'm circling community, as I have this past year. Unfortunately it'll take a while to share about all of the above. So I'll just share a bit about friendship.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" ~Proverbs 27:5-6

There are different perspectives from which you can take this verse.

1) Who is a friend to trust?

2) How can I be a true friend?

Who is a friend to trust: It takes humility to be able to really listen to feedback that others give us. I used to be, and still am very defensive when it comes to criticism. However, I have been reminded that others can have a much better view of your weaknesses, and it is only when they actually tell you that you can work on these weaknesses. The rebuke of a friend is very precious and it shows how much they care about you and want you to become a better person. The rebuke of a friend reveals much about their desirable character and qualities, and about how they trust in God. This leads me to the second point...

How can I be a true friend: Rebuking a friend can be tough. People hate to be told where they fall short. Ashamed, angry, exposed. Rebuke risks the relationship. It could make or break it. When you rebuke a friend out of love, you are placing your relationship with the person in God's hands, knowing that He guides you both. And you are also trusting God with where the relationship goes from there.

Remember that a brother or sister that rebukes out of love has your back. They believe in you– that you can change and become a better and more God loving person.

A Reason to Smile

My faith gives me so much, I don't even fully comprehend it. Loving really does give you so much strength, and my belief gives me a lot of understanding. I don't think I've ever grasped how much God's given me before. And I'll still be continuing to learn as time goes on.

I also never understood how our Christian communities helped us. There was so much political drama and hypocritical junk going on. Truth be told, I was sick of it. I haven't really ever supported Christian community. But I was wrong on a few counts. Yes, we're hypocrites and we will continue to be sinners always. We fail, and we disappoint, but that's where I have to pray for my community, for my Church. I often forget that it is a spiritual battle that we fight in our daily lives that we neglect to realize or remember. Our supporting and loving one another (as we would ourselves) makes us so strong in ways we don't even realize till we get a glimpse of how the world deals with their problems.

I am so so blessed. And thankful.

I also realized one other thing today. What keeps me joyful or happy each day. What is my reason for being positive.

I know, and can define, at this point in my life, that what keeps me going day after day is knowing that my life is precious. My life is obtained and someone actually loved me; thought I was worthy enough– made me worthy enough: to rescue me. Bring me back from an eternity of death. What keeps me going is knowing that I’m loved, and knowing that at the end of the day, I’ll be reunited with that Lover, and till then, with all my heart and gratitude and love, I’ll do anything for Him, because I love Him. I don’t have to work towards anything, but I work, not because I have to slave away all my life to achieve the reward at the end, but because I’m a willing slave for love, for my Lover, my God, my Friend and King.

And life is so sweet. Even when its bitter.

Hallelujah!

Level Up!

Sometimes as Youths we wonder whether what we believe in is just fed off other people's passion for God.

Its easy to believe when you're in the company of good Christian friends, its so easy to be a Christian. Its easy when you were born in a Christian family, when your parents impress these beliefs on you and have for your whole life. Its easy when the people closest to you approve of your belief.

Yet at times, whether it be happy or sad, we can't help but wonder whether its all real, whether we really believe. When we're alone, when there's no one there to sway our opinion.

Personally, I felt for a long period of time that a change in direction in my life had distanced me from good Christian influences. It was from being surrounded by close Christian friends and family, to being in an environment where I had to struggle daily to remember who I was, and what I was doing there. I felt stifled, and that I'd lost my way. There was no encouragement like I was used to. There was no Christian support from the friends I'd had previously when I was down, or worried, or needed help. I felt, simply to put it, worldly, and when you've tasted something better, somehow gorging on scraps of junk never makes you feel right. Its like after you've tasted coffee with sugar and milk, you hardly want to drink coffee without it again.

So for the longest time as I mentioned, I felt very far from God. I wondered why he would deprive me of all the good influences, all the things that I thought helped me grow. They did, but there was something I had not realized. I began to question and wonder whether all those influences were what had made me grow. Was it the circumstances in which I was in that had been the factors of my "Relationship with God"- my Christianity.

And finally God blessed me with a realization. It was by no means anything sudden, it was more gradual. Its pretty amazing how God just worked me up to this slowly. For days I'd been getting the message of returning to Him, keep talking to Him, that he would heal me and be my refuge. Indeed, I'd felt broken. God knows just what we need. All those good influences that had been a strong and dominant factor in my life before, they did help me grow, they did encourage and strengthen me when I felt weak and God did use some of my friends and family to speak to me and cheer me on in my walk. But there always comes a time when everything fades away. (Cliche sorry..) And you feel like you're left with nothing, but you know you're supposed to still have God. But you don't feel Him.

Taking your relationship with God to a different level in your walk is not always easy. For myself, I've come to realize that the removal of other distractions in my life have led me to where I have to simply face Him. My sole guide indeed is the Holy Spirit- God. There's nothing wrong with having Christian influences, but I now recognize that they put a barrier between my direct interaction and reliance on God and God alone. It was a personal hurdle that God is teaching me to overcome, and I can't say I've overcome it yet. But this is a time for me where I'm stripped of any dominant Christian figures in my life that impacted me spiritually- in a way that I can only describe as loud. (Not the best word.)

I can't say I know everything there is to my current situation, for only God can see the total big picture, but God's blessed me to be able to see, that right now in my life, He wants me to continue growing with HIM leading, and no other.

Beware of Boredom

An important thing to remember is praising God through both bad, good and average times. We tend to be extreme. When times are excellent, we either praise God because we're glad we have everything and are happy, or we forget that all we have is God blessed and given. Similarly, when we're going through a stormy period, we either turn back to God to ask for deliverance, or we forget completely that God is in control and flail our arms over the stormy waves, desperately hoping that the storm will calm soon. It is probably during boredom that we have to be the most careful. It is in the average times that it is probably most difficult to remember God. We get comfortable, but not too comfortable to be thankful. We are tired, but not too tired to ask for help. In all things, praise the Lord.

Easier said than done.

I'm going to repeat that.

Easier said than done.

Let everything come back to God. Everything, after all, is about God. (Well its about seeking happiness and pleasure, but that is exactly where God comes in.)

Another way I can illustrate my point is, in a marriage, how does the couple avoid getting tired of each other? Many divorces happen because of boredom. The husband forgets what initially attracted him to his wife. Or the wife forgets what she saw in her husband.

Yes, I know that many divorces happen because of a third party, but that reinforces my point. There would be no third party if there was no boredom.

How to be wary of boredom? Everyone is different, but fundamentally, spending time with each other never hurts. Acknowledge why you care for and love the other, and constantly communicate. Pray together, remember what you are together as one body. Instead of looking at the huge flaws of the other, remember that we all have imperfections. Remember that you, too have imperfections, and God gave you each other to build each other up, not tear each other down. Help each other to erase those flaws, not condemn each other because of them. Understand the perspective of the other, never let their feelings slip.

Similar treatment is of course very important for maintaining any relationship be it with friends or family. Its definitely not easy and most of the time we're just so frustrated or tired. We also can't understand why we have to be the understanding one- why never the other? Why can't they understand me? Why do I have to be the one taken advantage of? Why can't they be mature?

Is the adult expected to know how to clean up a mess he or she has spilt? Is a toddler expected to know? If you know better, God has given you that wisdom, and it is your responsibility to act accordingly. I know its difficult and frustrating, but it will be worth it.

Dating

I'm going to put the subject of this post right into the open. Dating in High school.

You can already hear it. I'm going to say you shouldn't. Well... you shouldn't.

Before you close this window, I'm going to interject and say, I understand perfectly why a teenager would want to start dating. Don't misunderstand me. I'm a teenager too, and I go through the same lonely feelings and sometimes I feel like I want to love seriously as well. After all, lots of other teenagers do it, why can't I? Aren't I as mature, if not, more mature than some of my friends?

Well, be honest with yourself. Would you say that you are more mature now than you were... oh about three years ago? It does wonders to wait to be even more mature before you start to date.

Three years ago, you might have felt bitterly towards someone else for contradicting, or not agreeing with you, possibly dissing you and your opinion. However, today, you might ponder deeper if a person did that to you. Is she having problems with something? At home? With other friends? Is she going through a hard time? We become wiser and more sensitive and sensible with time.

Over the next three years, what is the probability that you will gain even more understanding and ability to handle situations? What is the possibility of you gaining even more control over your emotions? You might have great control over your emotions now, compared to you going into desperation and hopelessness at the breaking of a friendship when you were twelve. (Not that you would be unaffected by your friend's departure now, but you would now probably try to patch things up sensibly and confront the problem trying to resolve it, thus strengthening understanding and relationship.) So you would probably gain even more control over your emotions in another few years time.

Don't we learn from our mistakes? From experience? Yes and no. We do, but do we humans really really have to learn everything the hard way? Truly, the younger you are, the more impact it will make in your future. It affects our society, how we think of a relationship, a marriage. You can gain so much more if you had a little patience!

I'm not saying its easy. No one wants to feel like they're the only one who doesn't have a partner. But keeping it at friendship isn't that hard is it? Getting to know each other better, seeing the worst and best sides of each other. Loving each other as friends. You can have just as much fun with friends, and friendships do last longer, and hold stronger.

Wait a little longer. Its worth it.

Youth

You're not going to be in your teenage years forever. So live like to the fullest while it lasts. Don't rush into growing up. Don't rush into anything, even relationships with a boy or girl. Teenage years isn't an excuse for being rash. Its a time for finding your path.

Don't let anyone look down on you just cuz you're young. But don't disrespect anyone just cuz they look down on you, or are younger or older or have a different view. Learn to look before you leap and love with passion but not careless abandon. Seek God in everything you do.

Looks for stories throughout your life and look for lessons in ever story that runs. You'll be amazed at what you can find.

Just because you do not know doesn't mean you're foolish. Take things you do not know as a point of helping you to learn, gaining more knowledge and ultimately gaining wisdom in your actions and decisions.